Yearly Reflections #2

This year was not as peaceful as I had hoped.

It began with my journey to Tirisfal to claim freedom from Viere’s legacy, which I believe was successful until I learned that still he lived. He would not leave me to this new life, although I had opportunities to end his. The wisdom of that choice I question now.

My beloved was taken from me once and then nearly again. Yet we as a pair have not faltered or fled from each other. A greater, darker power has been learned and transformed into restorative and practical magic. Our abilities compliment as never before. And this is something to which both of us struggle to adapt.

Nathan entered into things as a spirit lingering in the shade of forgotten memories. He lost everything that he knew, more than once with his love, Mira. But he confessed to me that he was grateful to live again even if the world had changed. It gave him the chance to enact revenge on the demon that had destroyed his world and to form new relationships here on the same manor. And he has a very well-built cabin to dwell in.

Mirtai settled well into her new existence. Until Nathan appeared and reminded her of everything that she missed of her former powers. She learned that her current form was not truly her own and that Mira may well linger within her. But she seems content and is well-protected and cared for here. Conditions that she realizes she did not have before.

Nemeiah grew a soft but strong ambition that has endured despite the lackadaisical efforts of the Bishop and others that claim to support her. Or perhaps I should say that she endured. Her devotion to the Light is so steady that she followed her companions to Icecrown, into a Necropolis, and then waited again for them at Tyr’s Hand to return so she could heal them. She continues to place the wellness of others above her own despite how the Light harms her.

The Regent has become Westlynn. She always was, but divesting herself of Tribe and title thrust her into a new chapter. Little does she speak of it, though. Our friendship developed over many months and over many miles trekked through desert, mountains and rapids. And through endless conversations on myriad topics. Others did not treat her so kind.

The Tribe and I are separated, and this includes Urukha. The treatment she gave to me after my first return from the realm of shadows was so abominable that no other course was left to me. I no longer ponder or question the cause; I am satisfied simply if I never see her again.

Other relationships remain, such as with Kruega, Vivvienne and Westel. The latter expected her second child some time during this season and also intended to marry its sire. Kruega provided many lighthearted chats and diversion with his allergy to the Fel. But he also needed to journey for a time in order to search for what he needed. Westel was married. I was not present for the ceremony but assume that he is happy with the development.

Shadowstep, the demon and the Witch are vanquished.

As for myself, I still believe it a waste of ink to spend time considering what changed. What has formed, rather, is a sense of design far more solid than any that I carried before. I am a Knight, my beloved’s, and anything that I do is to preserve and thrive in that purpose. I know more of what I am and what is disposable when what I love is threatened. For this next year, I intend to strengthen that position and for the unworthy, to be less compromising.

At the least, I must expect that it will be another interesting year. 

Adjusting

It is a relief to be home, yet it is strange also after being absent. Nathan kept up the place in his diligent manner, and he and Mirtai no longer seem at odds. The extent to which that has been reversed, I do not know and have no intention to inquire.

Winter reigns and it snowed last night. The garden is still and dormant. I see my breath when walking out of doors, and feel the sting of warming skin when returning to the shelter inside. A fire dances in the hearth. Yet my body is chilled, and not from the cold here.

Home Again

With the assistance of a certain nameless feline, my beloved and I are now home in much shorter time than expected. Mirtai and Nathan had been warned but we still surprised them. Maag in turn startled me with his enthusiasm. Fortunately I was wearing armor and the ground was not too frozen solid where I landed.

During this journey did manage to miss both of our birthdays and Winter’s Veil. Traded willingly, though, for a safe return. Now it is time to adjust to this world and climate again.

Unto Shadow #37 - The End

The retribution that the Lord predicted came, and was more devastating than either he or I calculated. The Witch is dead. And she is not the only casualty. It gives me great pain and grief – though not as much as him, I am sure – to think that both Victora and Kaelyn are lost. One of them almost certainly to death.

But my beloved’s cure was obtained and administered with success and we prepare to depart this realm. I will be overjoyed to see our home again and take a much-needed holiday.

Unto Shadow #36 - Oops

I may have by accident dislodged the careful balance of power between two sovereign, immortal eldritch creatures in this realm.

Unto Shadow #35 - Return

I have returned.

Perhaps there could not have been a more appropriate birthday gift for my beloved than simply this.

Unto Shadow #34 - Goodbye

Preparations are complete and I depart for the Web presently. Nemeiah contacted me just as I sat down and has returned intact from the new lands. And as I wrote of before, Westlynn's sister Yuliia is restored. Thus it is now my turn to complete my task.

Ink should not be wasted for too many words, but I will mention that I am alone again for this endeavor. I waited for my beloved to wake so we could exchange a farewell, but sleep kept too powerful a hold. So we did not speak and D.A. is unaware of what I go to do. Instead I wrote a letter that is to be opened only if I do not return.

This will be our goodbye as well, journal. You will remain here on the desk near my beloved. Thank you for listening.

Unto Shadow #33 - Another Surprise

Perhaps I should have reserved the title of my last entry for this one, as it was Kaelyn who surprised me this time. She summoned me to a part of the castle I had not seen before, and gave me something that will assist on the forthcoming venture. She did so only after learning the complete (as far as he is concerned) situation from the Lord.

She admitted that there would be a great deal of trouble for giving me this, and that is certainly not something I would wish inflicted on her. But I trust her persuasive abilities, and will soon be away.

Unto Shadow #32 - Surprise Gift

As a surprise, I asked Kaelyn to join me in one of the halls. I mentioned a desire to chat, but the reality was a surprise for her. I engaged in communication with Nathan, and then Mirtai, to show her what mortals looked like.

The substance of my conversation with them was not light, but Kaelyn seemed not to notice at all. She was quite excited to see them. I decided not to inform them of her observation. Once the communication ended, I told Kaelyn that this was her gift in the spirit of the season. She appeared grateful.

Unto Shadow #31 - Question

If walking blind into the Web to save my beloved was folly, and not bravery, what is deliberately walking back into it?

Unto Shadow #30 - Good News

I spoke with Westlynn while considering this course, and nearly immediately received good news. Her sister has overcome the poison within her and is recovered. She did not give details of this, and announced a dislike of speaking of her own affairs before I had opportunity to ask for them. But this is a positive development.

Unto Shadow #29 - Dilemma

The Lord proposed a route for treating my beloved, but I am extremely dissatisfied with it. While he could forcibly undertake the methods without my permission, allowing me to decide whether or not to pursue this course seems only a formality. Or at worse, a cruel game.

But if I refuse, then the danger turns back to my beloved and that is equally unacceptable. I do not trust the man, but there is little else I can do.

Unto Shadow #28 - Kaelyn

While my beloved declined attendance due to feeling ill, I met with Kaelyn for a simple dinner. Only the two of us attended, and this I generally approved of. She expressed her concern for D.A.’s condition and I thanked her for sending us wine and books while we retreated.

Kaelyn is, as I may have written before, the youngest of the Ladies here. She bears a fair complexion, red hair, blue eyes, and a kindly disposition. Alvarr seems to favor her in a quiet way over the others.

The conversation and company were pleasant, and a welcome diversion from other thoughts. She asked questions about my realm, and those who dwelled there. Most curious was she of elves, trolls, and holidays. She remembered a figure called “Father Christmas” from her own world (before she came here), but such traditions are no longer observed by the Lord or any of the Ladies. To me, it appeared that she wished that they did. Even their birthdays drift forgotten. Kaelyn tries to remember when hers occurred but is no longer certain of it.

She confessed to boredom at times from dwelling in such a vast castle, with no visitors and only her “sisters” to entertain herself with. Given Victora’s demeanor and Sophia’s limitations, I understand this.

We also exchanged information about our homes. She seemed genuinely stunned when I told her how Mirtai and Nathan (both elves) served of their own will. Yet she would not tell me precisely where the Lord’s shadow-servants originated.

I confess that I enjoyed chatting with her immensely.

Unto Shadow #27 - Bravery

The Lord called me a brave woman after I answered his questions and described what last happened here in the shadow realm. It took a moment for me to reply, and he did not appear to have anticipated the answer.

It is something I have thought on for various reasons. What is it that qualifies someone as brave? I calculate that it is easier to say what does not.

Bravery is not purely when one accomplishes something difficult in the face of dread odds. It is not shouting at the wind, or how a dog barks at perceived dangers. It is not a lack of fear. Nor charging into a deadly melee with sword raised and voice bellowing. Often, we mistake genuine foolishness and call it courage.

When I walked into the Web without knowledge of what I would face, determined to overcome obstacles no matter the cost, this was not bravery. It was folly and desperation.

Thus, when the Lord called me a brave woman, I replied that I was nothing.

Unto Shadow #26 - Tired

My beloved’s condition worsens. I do not think it endangers life, but certainly does impact the spirit and body. About all that can be accomplished is rest. I agreed to stay near for as much as possible, but we are still guests in this place and remaining aloof is impolite.

I also showed the note that the shadow-servant girl had left me, and it took only a moment for D.A. to understand the meaning of it. We agreed that the contents or the attempt at communication should not be revealed to the others here. I detect that my beloved wishes to help, because the pain of the shadow-people is being felt, but do not know what to do.

Meanwhile, I sit and write in this journal while D.A. sleeps next to me. I have not rested myself now for some time.

Unto Shadow #25 - Bad News

I contacted Westlynn expecting to receive a lighthearted conversation that would settle my mind, but this was not what happened. She described herself as tense, and her sister as unwell. Poisoned by an arrow and the offender had not yet been captured.

As one may imagine, I was very displeased and felt extremely ineffective when she said that my physical presence would aid. But this is not possible, as I am here in the shadow realm and have not the means to return. She understood this, yet neither of us took comfort from it I think. Her family, in addition, seems to despise the concept of hiding.

For now I will try to let her be and contend with the issue without interrupting. I can only wish her success.

Unto Shadow #24 - Our Pain

After gently delivering the news of the Lord’s verdict to my beloved, D.A. confessed to ever more disrupted sleep. This is due to nightmares, which are unfortunately common. I am accustomed to my own but it is another matter entirely to see my beloved struggle with them.

I asked if speaking of the nightmares would assist. D.A. did not describe them in detail but said that there was pain. The pain of others, and those who could not wake. We agreed that remaining “in” for the remainder of the day was wise, to try and catch up on rest for both of us. My mind was occupied already with what I still wished to do, though.

While we spoke, the shadow-servant girl had been working in the room, and quite suddenly exited when I called for her attention. I have since confirmed that it is the same girl that waited on me the last time I stayed here. The reason for her hasty departure became clear when I found the scrawled note she left.

Our pain. Is all that it says.

Unto Shadow #23 - Verdict

My rest was interrupted by a summons from the Lord, requesting my presence in his study to speak. He wished me there alone. So to obey, I left behind a worried beloved in the room.

He asked a few more questions surrounding the circumstances of my escape from the realm the last time. I believe I managed to describe those horrific minutes with calm and clarity. But he pressed further on related issues and I became terse. It was the comment I delivered about agonizing screams that seemed to actually impact him. I doubt that was due to general morality, however.

To my surprise he then acknowledged the difficulty of the questions and apologized. Then he offered his conclusion regarding my beloved’s condition. It is caused by the imprisonment and torment during our last time here. Thus, it is not what I thought. To my relief, what I have done has made it more manageable and not worse. 

But this does not resolve the illness. More research and time is required, and I witness in my beloved increasing strain. Yet I will classify this news as progress.

Unto Shadow #22 - From Home

I have not mentioned the conversations with Mirtai and Nathan, but they have been in communication with me and my beloved since arriving here. Although we may joke about them destroying each other in our absence, the two seem to be coexisting in nonviolent fashion.

Nathan said that it was cold at the house, and that the snow now remains on the ground. The two horses that he cares for, Chance and Fate, have been eating their share and keeping warm. Nathan maintains the wood pile and has added a porch, he says, to his cabin with the spare lumber from the demolished shack.

Mirtai read a letter to me that came from Kruega. She is anxious without us there. Some may be, I think, because I am not actively defending the property (although Nathan is). And some is because she is alone with him. But I do not know - and have not asked - what their status is. I told Nathan before departing that it was none of my business.

Both of them are missed greatly. Along with the house, however much smaller it is than this castle. And the garden, where my roses sleep dormant. And Maag. And Nemeiah, and Westlynn. And the rest.

I miss all of it.

Unto Shadow #21 - Sort of Love

While waiting for the Lord to give his verdict, I asked my beloved a silly question. Or at least, I presented it as a silly question and this was received favorably. I wanted to know if D.A. felt that the others here loved each other.

The inspiration for the question comes from a lack of understanding of these people. Even if they are, in some respects, closer to family in either realm than anyone else is. Their arrangement here on one level makes sense; and on the emotional level it makes none at all. Thus, I wished to know what my beloved thought of it all.

The answer was that there seemed to be some sort of affection between the Lord and each of the Ladies, and at least respect in return. Or they may be hiding their full regard, as I am accustomed to. D.A. concluded that the arrangement appeared to be more communal than romantic; to which I immediately affirmed that I preferred the latter. We agreed on that.

But this does not quell the suspicion that Victora seems to hold that we intend to integrate with the group. That is not true, of course. Without being accused though it is difficult to dispel.

Unto Shadow #20 - Envy

As time passes in this realm, my “castle envy” fades. The novelty of the grandeur of the place carries less impact now than it did, particularly as I discover more of what is here. And the more I speculate and learn of our hosts.

Which is not to say that I do not appreciate material comforts. The Lord and his Ladies have built a fine life and place to reside here. Yet all that they have is not what I want. I did not recognize and acknowledge that to my beloved until recently. It was foolish of me to suggest that being here would lessen the pride either of us had for what we have made together. After all, we have fought bloody hard enough for it. 

Unto Shadow #19 - Meeting

D.A. and I met with the Lord and I told him of my beloved’s ailment. I had agreed beforehand to do the majority of the speaking; my beloved prefers to keep all capabilities somewhat hidden and underestimated when possible. However, it is unlikely that the Lord was entirely fooled.

When he invited us to his study, Victora moved to accompany us. The Lord interceded and asked for privacy. She displayed a distinct displeasure at being disallowed. Matched, perhaps, by my relief that she was not present to hear the account.

After asking his questions and extracting more information from me than I desired, the Lord said that it may take days to uncover a cause and remedy. He also entrusted me to control my beloved’s behavior should it turn deviant again. This is only fair, as we are bringing trouble into his halls. It is my hope, though, that this meeting with the Lord was the most difficult part of the recovery.

But that is not my expectation.

Unto Shadow #18 - A Request

After a disturbing revelation regarding that object in the castle library, I suggested to my beloved that we ask for an audience with the Lord for his counsel as soon as possible. That is so that we may leave as soon as possible. I was rather upset when I realized what that artifact could be doing. That is, that it ultimately could be what creates all of these shadow-servants and does so in terrifying manner.

Another very good reason not to bring a mortal to this realm. However curious one like Westlynn may be.

D.A. accepted the explanation, and we decided to stay away from the library. Kaelyn, ever the gracious hostess, agreed to carry our request for counsel to her Lord.

Unto Shadow #17 - Mystery Woman

One interesting mystery did emerge from the ill-fated tour with Kaelyn. The Lord keeps an exquisite suit of women’s armor in one of his halls. I admired it, having not seen such a set with that eminence of craftsmanship and elegance. When I asked her if it belonged to another relation, Kaelyn appeared sad and answered that it had.

Yet she would not utter the owner's name due to the Lord’s wishes. So the circumstances of the armored woman’s passing are unknown. But that has not prevented me from pondering on it.

And no, I am not planning to steal the armor. That would be rude.

Unto Shadow #16 - Unwelcome Reminder

When Kaelyn embarked on a tour of the castle with my beloved and me, one of the places that she showed was the library. Obviously this intrigued D.A. mightily, until we actually saw it.

It did have the old books, tomes and scrolls that were expected, but in the center stood an artifact too familiar. For a very terrible reason. It was similar, though not identical to something that I saw in the Web when searching for my beloved.

After first diving into the books (not literally), D.A. saw the artifact and went ghastly pale. We were forced to retreat to our room and rest soon after. I do not know why the Lord would keep such a thing here.

Unto Shadow #15 - Far Away

Through the shadow I have kept contact with the living world periodically, primarily with Nemeiah and Westlynn. And Mirtai and Nathan, of course, who were notified of our arrival. Conversing with them has been most helpful in maintaining my spirits and noting the passage of time.

Both Westlynn and Nemeiah prepare to depart for the new lands. Nem has not received word from the Bishop for some time and believes that he may be found there. She worries for him, but also wishes to continue with her studies in order to be ordained. I asked her to contact me when she arrived at a conclusion to her journey, whenever she does.

Westlynn I worry for less because she hopes to travel with a group. I presume that they have guards. She voices many questions regarding this realm and my activities in it, the hosts and my accommodations. It is not just on these topics though; our conversations range as widely as they ever have. Her younger sister, Yuliia, happened upon us in Silvermoon and I was able to greet her as well.

Unto Shadow #14 - Shadowcaster

This was the gift my beloved gave me yesterday, when noting the day. There was no discussion or emotional displays this time. Only quiet and enjoyment of each other’s company before being interrupted for the day's activities with the others.

The silvery disc is affixed to my cloak and should augment the mask in its powers. I was horribly tempted to test it on our hosts, but my beloved advised against it despite the potential amusement. 

I asked both Nemeiah and Westlynn to think of me on the day, although I was not explicit on the reason with Westlynn. The day did not seem as terrible to me, so perhaps they did help from afar.

Unto Shadow #13 - Birthday

"There is just one part of all of this that I do not understand. I know why I was made. By whom, when, where, and how. But I do not know what I did that was so terrible that I deserved to be made thus."

Since uttering those words I have elected to not know. The day is marked, regardless. May it pass without memories.

Unto Shadow #12 - Gifts

My beloved and I brought gifts to our host and hostesses out of gratitude for their hospitality. They were selected with a mind for individual personalities (or in Sophia’s case, a shortage thereof). I was the one who managed the presentations.

Sophia was easy to please because she seems to be satisfied with anything shiny. Kaelyn received something pretty, or at least I think it is, but am biased because it was one of my better rose hybrids. And to Victora I gave something ostentatious. I had no use for that gaudy crystal chalice. She hinted that she did not either, in her ambivalent response.

For the Lord it was difficult to envision what to give a man already in possession of wealth and power. Except something with more power. An undamaged relic found during one of my most fruitful ventures. But I confess additional motives in the desire to remove that object from my treasury, and my calculation that anything to please and strengthen an ally in this realm is not wasted.

He expressed his surprise that I had not kept it for myself. Of the ladies, I believe Kaelyn was the most grateful despite her gift's simplicity. I expect that Victora has already shattered her own gift against a wall somewhere.

It really is impossible to satisfy everyone, I suppose.

Unto Shadow #11 - The Ladies

There are still three of them.

The eldest is named Victora. She does not like me in the least. Nor does she care for D.A., I think. But that is somewhat irrelevant in this context, as her Lord accepted us as guests and as his senior companion she must behave. She is the dark-haired one that I wrote of months ago. So pleased she had appeared then, when I ventured into the Web for certain destruction. Conscious of her rank, she wields it whenever possible.

The blonde-haired one has not changed either. She is called Sophia and does not possess a talent for conversation. Her talents rest below the neck. She is not vicious though and is manageable.

The third has red hair, and unintentionally revealed a different aspect of the Lord when he introduced her to my beloved. Her name is Kaelyn. Of the three she seems the most compassionate and aware. The Lord complimented her maturity despite being the youngest, and I detected the hint of affection between them. I did not expect that of him. In later calculations I concluded that he hides it.

Unto Shadow #10 - Lodgings

The castle is very grand inside. Although it appears extremely empty unless one knows about the shadow-people that behave as servants. My beloved and I have been given a suite that is larger than the accommodations I utilized before.

We agree that there is some intent to the luxury that is not pure generosity. But whether to impress or intimidate is not clear.

The servants are still silent and helpful. I do wonder if the one lingering about is the same as the one before but do not know their longevity. A sentimental piece of me hopes that it is her.

Unto Shadow #9 - Arrival

It took some days to locate this journal, because I left it in my saddle bags and have been preoccupied with our hosts. But as I wrote before, my beloved and I have found the Lord of the Castle and he granted hospitality to us.

He did vaguely chastise me for delaying my return though. I explained that the circumstances were too severe to both remain in the realm and survive at the moment I last departed. I expect that soon he will ask for clarification; and I dread describing that moment.

My beloved was suitably impressed with the castle and its forbidding location. As before the Lord escorted us through the jungle and remarked on our “wonderfully delicious youth,” which was not praise necessarily. In honesty it meant that our method of travel was primitive and plain compared to his. That is a theme that surrounds me in particular here.

For now I am content that we arrived in safety, but not in complete ease. We do not forget that our hosts are just as dangerous as the rest of the inhabitants of this realm. If better mannered and dressed.

Unto Shadow #8 - The Others

We have found them.

Unto Shadow #7 - Storm

To my dismay, it can storm and rain here. The chill of the land combines with the damp for a truly miserable experience. There was an opportunity to camp before the storm began but I chose to continue moving forward to a safer area.

The consequences were an extremely unhappy, soggy cat and beloved. But from here it should not be much longer to the Lord’s forest. Then things should be more comfortable. Materially, at the least.

Unto Shadow #6 - From Afar

Both Westlynn and Nemeiah I have spoken with at a distance. I am also forced to estimate the passage of time in this realm, as it does not seem to match what the living world experiences. I believe that more time has elapsed there than here. But such speculation is irrelevant.

Westlynn prepares an application to a sort of exploration group, so that she may see the new lands under an official aegis. When it was requested I told her my views of the place and the political turmoil. With the latter I have attempted neutrality, particularly after learning that Westel's wife was thrust into the war for the Horde. This is not for the former Regent though. It would be flora and not forged metal that occupy her there should she be accepted.

She was very curious regarding what this realm's landscape, appearance and conditions are. But I did not think it helpful to describe them in detail, to her disappointment.

Nem waits yet for the Bishop to do his bloody job. She wishes to advance her holy studies and succeed at ordination, but as long as she depends on him for her instruction her progress also relies on him. I have already expressed my opinion thus as well. The rest seems satisfactory - she told me she may even attend a Hallow's End function that she received an invitation for. 

With Nem I felt temptation to tell her more of the realm, unlike with Westlynn. The most that I said though was that it was unpleasant and I did not like it here.

Unto Shadow #5 - Beasts

I cannot precisely calculate the amount of time that has passed since entering this realm, but believe it to be at least two days now. Already we have been attacked by strange creatures. Before this I had not seen this particular kind but they were as foul as everything else. Bone-creatures with flattened heads that rose up from the sand. Fortunately with our combined abilities my beloved and I were able to vanquish the lot without significant damage to ourselves.

Unto Shadow #4 - The Cat

It is back.

It is identical in appearance and mannerisms also, much to my beloved’s annoyance. I attempt to translate its lack of precise communication in order to facilitate cooperation. That it has appeared again and leads the way, particularly when the landscape of the realm has changed drastically since my last visit, I believe is providential.

But still I cannot be certain that the Cat sustains any pure investment in our situation, or if my regard for it is one-sided. In that sense I must sound like Westlynn.

As far as the Cat is concerned, however, I am forced to trust that it is not malicious. And that some other purpose (entertainment perhaps) drew it to us so quickly.

Unto Shadow #3 - Old Friends

Sometimes being so far away forces one to reflect on who is left behind.

I had a lovely tea with Vivvienne before departing. She and I had not conversed for a time, and I thought it appropriate to invite her for a chat. We met in a tavern in the bear-people lands. Neither of us was terribly impressed with some of the edible fare. She informed me of a new development in her life that frankly, did not surprise me. She then rightly commented that I never speak of my beloved. I enjoyed the conversation though.

Nemeiah and Westlynn’s farewells were each a different challenge. I rushed a letter to Westlynn after to try to ward against any misunderstanding that would linger unresolved in my absence. Nem is left alone and I am dissatisfied with that. But there is little that I may do from a distance now.

The final goodbye was to Mirtai and Nathan. Mirtai appeared anxious and Nathan stood as steady as ever. Both entreated us to return home as quickly as possible. Unknown to Mirtai, I had spoken with him the day before to give details and answer questions regarding the venture. And we talked of her, briefly. I indicated my view and vouched for his privacy. It is the least that I can do for the stalwart service he has given.

Unto Shadow #2 - Welcome

The spirits roiled beneath the water again as we crossed through to this realm. As before the sight of them was dreadful, and at first they protested our approach. I warned my beloved not to gaze down upon them. But it really was impossible to resist a peek; particularly when one foul spectre first sneered at me and then spoke to D.A. I did not understand the word.

But my beloved did. "Welcome."

Once More, Unto Shadow

My beloved and I arrived in the realm of shadows shortly after midnight. Both of us dreaded it, but we are here. I do not like this place.

New People

Two of the odd bear-people I have spoken with. One was earnest and attentive, and the other proved disappointing.

The first is named Wen-Bie (I likely am not spelling this correctly, for their pronunciation and language is strange). She seemed young and curious. I would not have approached but she offered to share a cup of Jasmine tea. Though unknown to most this is my favorite. So I was tempted successfully into conversation. She answered many of my questions, including those that must have seemed terribly obvious to her.

The second was Shen. There was another syllable after the first but I do not know how to write it. She arrived in my attention when I noticed her display a peculiar amount of patience with an egocentric, monologuing orc. It was difficult to find her alone for a chat. When I did, at first she also answered questions and began to return a few to me. But we were interrupted by squabbling goblins, and then she departed without an acknowledgement or farewell.

But this may be preferable in the end. I dislike questions such as “Who were you before” and “Was it strange waking up in a world you left behind.” I now understand Nemeiah’s dilemma when conversing with them on the Forsaken.

Nearing Departure

The time is very close now. I have finished all reasonable preparations, but wait for my beloved to indicate readiness. I do not press or rush this, due to where we are going. Neither of us is eager to journey back into the realm of shadows.

To Nemeiah and Westlynn I gave the means to contact me while away. Westlynn of course displayed a great deal of curiosity and tested the limits of it immediately; much in the same manner she tests other boundaries. As for Nemeiah, I am content that she even considered accepting it. Likely I will be eager to converse with them when able.

And finally (a chat with Gom'jun reminded me), the garden is ready for winter and the neglect my absence will cause. I explained to him that the roses are not dead. He and Za'zii retrieved them for me from Gilneas, so his continued curiosity is understood.

Prayer Beads

Again, I say goodbyes for a time. Preparations are close to complete, save for a few matters to settle. I did not know if Westlynn would be about so I wrote a letter to her to describe what was occurring. With Nemeiah though, I was able to chat and give her a small item in person.

To my amazement, she did not protest the proposed journey and offered her mother’s prayer beads to me. The silver charm on it was a gift from me; the original stolen some months ago from her when the beads went missing. She lent the beads to Kruega when he experienced difficulty. They are extremely important to her. She said that it was as near as she could manage to shielding me without harming herself.

I am honored to carry them; though I doubt I will ever be able to hold them in a bare palm.

Shoes

Apparently they represent one’s social status, power, and self-worth. I have boots. I assume that these function in the same manner. Fortunately I do have one pair that is not made utterly of metal. Although the armored ones do have their purpose as well, particularly with regard to small, aggravating creatures like imps. This topic may not seem relevant to current events, but it is.

Symptoms

My beloved retains no memory of shouting at me, or any of the other violent outbursts of late. When in control, there is exhaustion and often unhappy emotions. Confusion. It is distressing to witness and then be unable to explain why it is occurring.

My initial thought was that it may be a partial possession; but I do not know of a being capable of both crossing my wards and influencing my beloved’s unique physiology. So it may be something from within. Possibly as a result of the time spent in the shadow realm. Neither of us holds the requisite knowledge on-hand to conclude with certainty however. Nor would Nem, I assume, because her studies are lighter (in the literal sense).

At the least, now I have secured D.A.’s cooperation and we are resolved on a path.

Untitled #5

"If you are going to be difficult I will just go back to my books. I'm tired of you being so over-protective anyway. 

"You are not well. Can you not see it?"

"Just go away and leave me alone!"

False Spring

What a fool I have been. Idly enjoying these last months with my beloved as though every danger had been eliminated. Ignoring signs that the trauma from the shadow realm had not healed.

So concerned have I been for the security of this property that I did not acknowledge the subtle signs of warning within my own chambers. I was so consumed with pleasing my beloved that I dared not question or press on uncharacteristic or troubling behavior. Now D.A. is unwell and information is scarce.

Like a rodent that burrows into its hole and assumes that spring reigns eternal outside, simply because it is warm and comfortable inside. But the blizzard still howls even though I elected, until now, not to hear it. 

Important Introduction

I introduced Nemeiah to my beloved. Although not directly or in person. My primary concern was that the method D.A. used to communicate with her would give Nem pause at the least, and at the most invoke her disgust and revulsion. But neither occurred.

Nem was quite polite and friendly, even curious of the shadowy magic my beloved employed. While more time is needed to consider this surprising result, my first conclusion is that I underestimated either her hatred of the shadow or her trust in me. Presently I am more inclined to think the latter.

Associations

Lately I have given thought to whether it is correct or iniquitous to judge someone by their associations. That is, if they keep unsavory company if it is fair to remember the faults of others around them, or simply view the individual alone to determine worth.

The difficulty is that the individual may have confirmed favorable traits. So favorable that they attract the attention of those who take advantage of such generosity and tolerance, who are themselves less deserving. Or the opposite: the individual presents fewer personal virtues but has access to valuable contacts.

I believe it is too simple to judge solely on individual merits no matter how ideal or romantic the notion. No person – even one as reclusive as my beloved or I – exists without influential associations. 

Hidden

I mentioned, journal, some work done to the carriage. While it was much more intensive (I actually shooed Nathan away so there would be no interruptions from him or Mirtai when she looks for him), it was not the only project of this kind on the manor.

Some time ago my beloved conceived of combining certain magics of ours to mask the entire grounds. I was not certain if it was possible at first, but now any that pass will see nothing more than a ruined stead and have no interest in examining it closer. It is the same for the carriage. It will not inspire investigation by unwelcome eyes.

Of course, the application of this spell expended many days’ worth of energy, but I am less concerned that the recent upheaval between the Horde and Alliance shall result in disruptive visitors. 

Winter Approaches

I removed the last bud from the roses when preparing them for winter. Until spring, they will gradually become dormant. The young apple tree is dropping its leaves. Frost has not yet arrived but I smell it in the air.

My body welcomes the changes even if the garden does not. Some things and some people enjoy the warmth and bright skies of summer, and they yearn for its return when winter’s winds chill. I am the reverse. They say that there is death in winter, and life in spring. I cannot deny those associations yet am eager for these next few months. 

Disgruntled

My beloved is unhappy. Partially with me, I think, for I somehow managed it poorly.

I mentioned missing tea with Nem and Westlynn in order to work on the carriage, and this was a reminder of the many things given up socially in order to satisfy the need for security. My offer then to arrange something solely for the two of us was answered with tangible barbs of indignation and disapproval. 

I do not know how to resolve this to the satisfaction of all. I would be content with the satisfaction of one.

Accidental Love

Some weeks ago Nemeiah made a small remark about how my beloved and I seemed “close.” I thought it an unusual thing to say, knowing what I have confessed to her. I asked recently if there was a greater implication behind the observation.  

Her reply was that she had not wished to assume that we were in love, if there was a chance she misinterpreted. Thus she had used the milder term and caused my confusion. She also had drawn upon her own experience and admitted that she was “not exactly good” at determining love.  I had thought the reality rather obvious. So I told her that this assumption was correct and that “those words” were used.

But what I did not tell her was that it all was an accident. I was not supposed to fall in love with this person. The aim was something else entirely.

A Strange Land

Several times I have been through the portal to the land of the bear-people, and thus far have managed to avoid significant contact with the inhabitants. There is a great deal to explore yet; mostly I am curious of the mountains spotted in the north.

And hidden all about are resources to exploit and retrieve. I have found golden flowers unlike any that grow elsewhere in the world. And white and black ores stronger than the saronite or elementium that most armor and weapons are made from.

Many lovely vistas there are to view as well. That is, if the Horde and Alliance do not mutually exterminate each other and the land in the process of conquering it. In particular, in a great valley lie many farms, flourished by vibrant and heavy rainstorms. Then in a few minutes the rain passes and there is warm sun again.  

But it is the temple that the Horde have commandeered that I discovered something less naturally wondrous, but nonetheless impressive. A great library with books and scrolls stacked to the high ceiling. My beloved would be very interested in this.

Nocturnal

It now seems that my beloved has no desire to return to daylight habitation. Because I could not safely construct the cabin during the heat of the afternoon, Nathan and I worked at night. My beloved adjusted to this pattern with ease and lately declared that it is preferred, even enjoyed.

There are fewer distractions and “errands” as D.A. calls my social obligations, and so there is more time afforded to be with each other. I do not think yet that this will be a permanent schedule change because my beloved always reserves the right to shift according to the whim of the moment. I do not complain though. The night is easier and more comfortable to move through.

Unwanted Suitor

This does not apply to me, but to Nemeiah. Weeks ago she told me of an elven paladin that had expressed unusual interest in her. He told her that that he found “death” beautiful, and I felt this inappropriate, even disturbing. Had he said that Nem herself was beautiful I would not complain or deem it strange. He seemed to view death with some unhealthy erotic fixation.

He disappeared for a time, or at least Nem had not spoken of him until a strange undead elf approached her in Orgrimmar while she chatted with me. His manners were poor, and his conversation abysmal. Nem appeared uncomfortable and I disliked him immediately. It was a relief when he excused himself, and then she revealed that this was the same paladin.

You may imagine, journal, how disgusted I was to learn he was still about her and still speaking of improper things. Even after whatever incident killed him. For now though, I likely will remain uninvolved.

Also this does not improve my opinion of paladins.

Cabin Complete

Work on the cabin is finished and Nathan is settled into it as his new residence. I must boast that it is a fine result. Although it was his experience that I relied on in order to build it. He is satisfied, as are my beloved and I. Although of all of us, Mirtai may be the most visibly enthusiastic.

While being introduced to the place she asked a great number of questions of Nathan, so many that my beloved alerted me to the excess with a rolling of eyes. It required a command to begin a routine (though redundant) chore to remove Mirtai from his room. But that is something to muse on at another time.

I feel accomplished by the cabin’s completion not only because it is a goal achieved, but also it is something that I helped make from nothing. I am designed for destruction, not creation. Perhaps it is silly to be proud of such a modest structure made of wood, metal, paint, and glass. But I do take pride and see it as the first step, the beginning of a larger ambition.

A New Land

Evidently all of these strange bear-people are from a shrouded land far out in the ocean between Kalimdor and the Eastern Kingdoms. While I still have not spoken with one of the natives, I hear whispers of unplundered resources and a fortune to be made there.

It is worth investigating as long as I do not became caught between the Horde and Alliance armies.

Reoccupied

With Westlynn accompanying me I returned to Felwood and peered into the place where I once made residence. The motivation behind the visit was mostly curiosity, made achievable when she expressed interest in seeing the place some months ago. I did not forget the conversation, and would have referenced it had my presence been questioned by any forest dwellers. Her presence legitimized that.

No guardians did we encounter but the ruins were not empty. We descended to my room (I  liked it, it had candles lining a round walkway above), when I heard noises from deeper in. We retreated when the occupant appeared as a two-headed Wrath hound. I am not as proficient at moving silently as Westlynn, and feared that we would be discovered. Fortunately it did not spot us.

We exited the ruins and continued with another conversation, but only after I confessed irritation. The Elder treant had called me a corruption and wished me and my beloved gone from the wood, and now something worse resides in our place. I suppose I could be amused by the irony of it. 

A Strange People

In Orgrimmar there were very strange bear-like people running about. I did not approach.

Knighted

Often have I written of the ideals of chivalry, politeness and proper behavior, but concealed the shame that I did not know whether I was qualified to speak on them. To my great disappointment, death knights are almost never knightly, despite our name. Without remembrance I could not claim to be a real knight myself, and certainly could not claim nobility after death.

When my beloved read the story regarding the Future King and his knights, I asked whether one could still claim knighthood without recalling whether or who had bestowed the honor. The answer was that one’s behavior was more important. That same evening however, D.A. asked me to obtain a sword.

I was confused and somewhat distressed by the request because my beloved does not wield swords. I fretted over whether this preluded a desire for combat; something I never want my beloved to be involved in again. But I could not refuse. In Dalaran I acquired a silvery blade appropriately expensive and beautiful, as suits D.A.’s tastes.

To my astonishment, that night the sword was used to affirm and dub me Knight and Champion of my beloved’s house. As the head of that house this was well within D.A.’s powers and discretion to bestow, and was one of the greatest gifts ever given me. I am no longer undefined or unqualified. Even with a gallon of ink I would still find it difficult to express how thankful and overjoyed I was.

And still am.

Theramore

The Alliance city ruled by Lady Proudmoore has been razed by the Horde, and war is certain to follow. When I learned of it I informed my beloved and set out to determine how much danger this house and its residents could face. While some investigation assured me that it is not likely that we would be discovered, the risk has increased.

Initially I also worried that conscription orders may be issued. D.A. expressed in clear, strong terms that I would not be permitted to submit to them if they were. This is not due to any love of the Alliance or hatred of the Horde, but rather that our interests do not match either. After some brief thought I agreed. It is for the same reason that I have chosen to remain unaffiliated with any organization or clan.

For Nemeiah I do not worry because she is affiliated with the Argent Crusade, which is by necessity neutral. And Westlynn is a civilian, by my estimation. Both can seek refuge from war if needed.

Sacrifices

Over two months have passed since the return from the realm of shadows. Having rescued my beloved and with both of us nearly restored, I collect reflections on the losses and sacrifices.

I now possess only Whisper of the two demon hunter blades. Ruin was destroyed in that moment I freed my beloved from the Witch. No weapon could have survived that strike; nor would I have allowed it to, after. It is set aside.

The Soul Anchor spear I have put away in the hope that it and the dagger are never needed again.

Viere lives. What he occupies himself with I know not, nor do I intend to discover the answer. As long as he respects my borders he is not a concern.

The friendship with Urukha and by extension, formal affiliation with her tribe is ended. Still I cannot calculate what caused her to behave with such disdain and belligerence toward me while I suffered from the effects and horror of my journey. She once called me sister. Even offering to adopt me into her family. I gave her counsel when she asked it, and honored her departed kin. I now imagine her congratulating herself on being rid of me, calling herself brave and accomplished for turning on her nearest friend. No communication or apology has she offered since the last inflammatory conversation more than a month ago. Thus, I consider our association concluded.

But the highest cost my beloved still bears. I have done everything within and without reason to speed healing and bring comfort. It is something I cannot fight or shield against. Nor is there anyone to vilify except for the Witch and myself. It will remind both of us for the rest of my beloved’s existence what price we accepted order to be together.

Once and Future King

“I will find a book and read to you I think. I know you get bored with nothing to occupy you.”

My beloved introduced this method to keep me relatively immobile while resting to heal an injury. This was done also when recovering initially from the shadow realm, as it gave us something to think on other that what had happened.

The story this time involved some of the characters also found in the Green Knight tale. About a king that began unknown, and who gathered knights to his famous table.

One scene depicted the hunt and slaughter of a unicorn, which I found poignant because these creatures are universally considered good. My beloved explained that it perished due to the deception of the villainess and the naïveté of the boys that killed it. But as a result they were no longer so jaded. Their deeds thereafter reflected how they had viewed the incident and shaped what they became. One resorted to villainy; another rose to be a great knight.

I related some of the story to Nemeiah, although I could not offer an accurate translation of the title, as is evident in this entry. 

Guardian

After the fight with the death knight that attacked Nemeiah, and describing the scene to my beloved, there rose in me the wish to see either a better guardian for Nem, or even a champion. I told D.A. that the Bishop was currently Nem’s guardian and agreed for the greater part with the indignant remarks that followed. Particularly with the spate of recent assaults in Tyr’s Hand in mind.

However, when she and I spoke later, Nem asserted that the Argent administrators would not likely spare a paladin or anyone else for her protection. A paladin and I would also conflict. But I understood her reasoning.

That particular culpable death knight may now be vanquished (according to Nem, who had other difficulties not physically endured during the battle she described), yet she remains vulnerable. And, apparently, a target while under the watch of the Bishop. But I cannot protect her because I am not her guardian or champion. 

Off-Balance

Sometimes a stranger approaches me for conversation and they believe that they can cow me with it. While often I invoke the assumption that the weight of one’s helmet proportionally restricts intellectual capacity, it pleases me to methodically dismantle the notion sometimes.

This last instance was from an exceptionally tall elven woman in Orgrimmar. She initiated the interaction with a few belittling remarks and noting the (rather obvious) fact that I am a death knight. When I returned with rigid politeness and then altered the topic she never regained control of the conversation.

In fencing the advantage is gained when one’s opponent is off-balance. And then with every strike after that balance is never reacquired. This is what I did to this odd, red-eyed woman before abruptly ending the discussion. She then retreated and I returned to my business.

Perhaps I am boasting a bit. But it was entertaining. And not all socialization is thus: a few days later I had a lovely chat with a troll shamaness.

The Letter

When I viewed the globe of memory (the gift from Great-Father Winter) and reacted poorly, my beloved agreed to take it from me to safeguard it in secret. I felt after that an explanation was owed, or at least an elaboration on the situation in order to assuage worry.

Having failed to speak effectively when first communicating the decision, I wrote a letter instead. I left it on D.A.’s desk in the evening and then departed to hunt. In it, I wrote of the two main reasons taken for not pursuing the past; and how that choice has not changed even after seeing more of it that last look. Those reasons were first: that I could calculate only grief would result of the search. And second: that I already have overwhelming good with my beloved.

Some hours later I returned home, for D.A. is not an early riser, and received an emotional welcome. What I wrote had been understood.

Crossfire

My sight has improved enough to record a few words. A visit to Nemeiah in Tyr’s Hand went violently awry as she was attacked in her own room. I had departed the hall to return home, but suspected danger when I heard something move about. She cried for help and I heeded her.

She was damaged. I halted the man before she was killed but it was the Bishop’s timely arrival that forced him to retreat. Judging from his abilities and armor it was another death knight. I was harmed by broadsword and magic aimed at my face in close proximity.

The Bishop healed Nem and then after I protested against it, also aided my wounds. I was able to go home thereafter and much more gladly entered the care of my beloved.

Blurry

((The handwriting is imperfect and the sentence goes at slight angle up.))

My vision is not entirely intact at present. I will write more when able.

Untitled #4

That was a mistake.

Give Up the Past

I finally told my beloved of the decision to relinquish all ties to the past. This conscious resolution will not, I assume, prevent the intrusion of more memories, but the intention is to disregard them as they come.

D.A.’s response was surprise. I had not expected there to be any shock to it, considering how much caution was advised when pondering whether to pursue things that should not be known. But after assuring my beloved that the choice followed heavy thought, the much-desired support was extended. D.A. then requested that I not do anything that would prevent me from changing my mind.

After thinking more, I believe the real hesitation from my beloved emerged not from a personal concern for what I was giving up, but a reluctance to abandon pursuit of any knowledge (given that D.A. is naturally curious and disposed to research and discovery). But I am a bit more practical.

There is a last act that I will perform as a formal farewell to this discarded life. My beloved offered to be present, in the same way that we were together at the windmills when I renounced Viere. This should be less difficult.

For a Better Future

The Regent Westlynn and I met for conversation some days ago. I missed the banter and challenge, and was rewarded with her unpredictable manners. Though she had changed her hair again and this always provokes comment.

There were a few moments of seriousness in our discussion though. Once in regard to her current state without the Tribe and another when I mentioned that my beloved had inquired after her. I did not offer specifics but the intent was not purely to extend greetings and courtesy. She seemed quite interested in that D.A. and I had discussed her.

As for the first topic, when Westlynn expressed some of her feelings I offered back the advice that she had given me just after I returned from the realm of shadow. And in addition, I made some trite remark about the continuity of life. The thought was not a well-formed or well-enunciated. But I understand the trials of change.

And the difficulty of leaving something – or everything – behind to do what is necessary.

Incompatible

My beloved has returned to active study, or at least engages in it for significant spans of time. Though it does not yet appear comfortable to write. Due to my schedule we share the night hours and rest during the daylight ones. So there is always a comforting glimmer of candle visible in the window when I work out of doors.

Nemeiah also spoke of resuming her application of the Light, specifically forming a shield of it to protect others. She mentioned an instructor, but if they do not appear she plans to continue regardless. Upon seeing my dubious expression (remembering how often she has been damaged when healing others) she assured me that all would be conducted within the limits that she knows.

But there is an irony with both of them engaging in their respective learning. One seeks betterment through the Light, and the other draws power from its opposite. Yet I have not had the inclination or audacity to inform Nem that my beloved studies the shadow.

Nem sees shadow as something to be avoided. D.A. has only once referenced the Light and it was to state it as a tool that neither of us could wield. It would be difficult to explain to either side what benefits are gained from the other’s study. 

Zau'tal

Zau’tal is one of sons of Whiteclaw and inherited his sire’s distinctive ivory mane. The eldest son I have also met, and am not certain which in the order of offspring Zau’tal is. He is congenial and surprisingly trusting based solely on his father’s accounts.

Or, as he described it: it is wise to keep good relations with those who take a violent line of work. The son hunts in shadow with blade rather than claw. In Orcish it is called a “Scout” but the full meaning is more robust. He trains raptors, and complimented their intelligence and ferocity.

He asked also whether anything was wrong when noting that I had not been around the Tribe as much. When I told him that I no longer had the title of friend of the Tribe, his response was plucky, “If you know my father, then you know I do not care much for what is declared by others.” Or approximately that – it does not translate perfectly into this script.

He agreed to convey my greetings to his father when he next saw him. But Whiteclaw has not appeared for some time.

Building Ties

Construction on the cabin continues and now the roof has been placed and sealed. Nathan advised that it should be allowed time before being rained upon, but weather seldom cooperates when one needs it to.

I appreciate the work as well as Nathan’s assistance and company. His experience is greater, and he is no less invested in the cabin’s completion. He also has slowly adjusted to the nightly schedule.

Because my beloved insists on regular breaks now, we have had time for a few chats in those hours before dawn. Recently we spoke of pedigree and capacity. I confessed to him that I felt that I did not deserve to be paired with someone like my beloved, for I am not noble. My beloved possesses both ability and rank, when often the two are exclusive to each other. Nathan thought that if one must have only one of those two features, it was better to be highly regarded than high born.

I am mindful also that his situation is (or was) not so different from mine when he secretly courted Mira.

Changing Mantle

The Regent has decided to doff the mantle of leadership for the Burning Tusk Tribe. She described it as “moving on,” in such a subtle way that at first I did not understand the meaning. I had thought she simply implied moving physically from Piki’Alo, the tribal homeland. But it was more than that.

She did not give an explanation why, nor did I press after realizing what she was doing (truthfully I was so surprised I could not inquire). I do not know what she will do now. But I do not think that this will markedly change how we associate, apart from that I can no longer call her “Regent.” Except, perhaps, to annoy her good-naturedly.

When I mentioned the event to my beloved a few questions were asked, but few answers did I have to give. Westlynn always respected my privacy and the same courtesy should be extended in return.