Red and Black Sails

Though I am mostly confined at home, my mind is not. Images of the ship and the incident there disrupt my rest and cut deep into my patience. I wanted to find it, to know where it would be safe to go once I move about again.

At first I assumed a neutral port due to the brutality involved. Mercenary types could be paid to tolerate all types of fanatical ventures. However, some investigation from Westlynn and my own observations invalidated the assumption. I then asked my beloved to look somewhere very specific. It drained D.A.’s energy to search over the distance, for which I apologized, but the result was conclusive.

The ship was there. Not near us, fortunately, but in what appears to be its home port. It is decidedly not neutral, and not friendly. It makes this infinitely more difficult to calculate a resolution for. At least though, I know where it is.

Buds

The roses have woken and are making buds. The apple tree has not yet bloomed but it may in a month or so. There are a few other things I plan to add to the garden once spring is settled in.

Monster, Part 2

In stories, monsters that present a moral dilemma to the heroes offer a significantly more complicated challenge. To overcome them, the hero must decide if the redeeming features of the monster outweigh the terror and carnage they caused. Or at least, try to discover what has made the monster.

Too often I think authors overlook how many monsters the heroes create themselves. Out of prejudice, fear, territorial expansion, and so on. Is it the fault of the wolf that attacks the child wandering too close to her den of pups, or is the fault of the parent for letting go of the child’s hand? The wolf loses in every scenario. So does the parent, but their grief feels vindicated with the beast’s death. Now, they have justified purpose in eradicating every wolf in the wild and gain laud and honor for doing so.

However, there are some monsters that are of their own creation. Those made from greed, ambition, jealousy, hatred borne of perceived or real wounds from society. Those desperate to blame anyone other than themselves for their faults. They destroy so that the world can feel their pain and indignation.

Then there are the monsters with no choice other than to be what they are. Perhaps they were created to be hero-fodder or a tool to serve a dark master, but otherwise they would choose not to harm or disturb anyone. Their lives are suffering from the moment they emerge until they are defeated. For them the only victory is a swiftly sought end. An escape into the eternal, blissful abyss.

Joint Hunt

This time, my beloved accompanied me. Or it may be more accurate to call it the reverse. I did not want D.A. to go alone. In spite of my state I felt much better after finding quarry and returning home with both of us intact. My beloved must have known this, I think.

It also saved the furniture and the garden from my temper.

Disfigurement

I cannot think of a kinder or more appropriate word to describe it. With my beloved’s attentive care, the marks on me begin to fade. I had not spoken of them much, other than saying that I was eager for them to be gone.

We each carry on our bodies the consequences of a life chosen together, in defiance of all the realms. My beloved’s devastating injury can be covered and masked, but it will never heal. Mine are harder to hide but are not permanent. We manage in different ways with the support of each other.

“Do you think I am ugly now?”

Never.

One Step Forward

A disagreement with Westlynn concurrent with my debacle has made it difficult to concentrate on an efficient resolution. I did leverage Westlynn to conduct a particularly vital errand but beyond this, nothing with her felt comfortable.

And no matter the circumstances it is difficult to ask someone for help when you are upset with them.

Details are unnecessary for these pages. She invited me for a ride. We spoke of Mayhem, my rate of healing, and then I asked the question looming in my mind. I wanted to know if she held the same disappointment as I after the argument. Her violently emotional response startled me. She defended her feelings (with words I would rather she not have used) and in return questioned how I could have doubted her over something she felt was so trivial.

It was not trivial to me though, and I do not think she understood this entirely. Which is in part my fault for not telling her the entire story. I still disapprove of her actions. But she convinced me that this is of little moment compared to what has been gained during our acquaintance. In the end, we settled the heart of the dispute and were comfortable again.

Still, I wonder how she would react to my answer had she turned my own question back at me.

Learn to Lie

I contacted Nemeiah and we updated each other on our current challenges.

Though she aspires to be a priestess, of late I have noticed a tendency for her to misplace the exact truth of things if she does not wish to worry me. Before she has downplayed the damage received from healing others with the Light. Or simply not told me all of the circumstances that prompted her to use it.

Though I have not mentioned it specifically, I am very pleased by this change. If she learns to lie (and to do it well) this is another way to protect herself without wielding weapons or physical strength. Kindness is a shield but an imperfect one. It works only on those who value it. Deception works on everyone else.

Of course when the truth of her latest threat walked by and Nem confessed the reality of the danger I was not as happy. But it is the situation, not that she tried to conceal it that bothered me.

In return I told and showed her what had happened to me. And then I lied. 

Darkbreak

These days I have not written much to you, journal, of what has happened to me because I did not want to linger on it. Unpleasantness occurred and I am paying a price for my error.

I insisted on investigating the group whose symbol I saw on the flyer, and pressed into your pages here. I miscalculated their abilities. As a consequence, when my beloved found and recovered me a great deal of damage had I received. Still now despite healing and other magic I am in pain.

The priest responsible for this lives, and flaunts a name that is not genuine to him. I record it here.  

Monster

Fiend. Villain. Abomination. An evil creature intent on harming others for its own pleasure or benefit.

Monsters are nightmares made solid. They look into our eyes and draw out fears, doubts and weaknesses. They challenge the faithful. And inspire the mighty to be heroes.

In stories they represent the darker aspects of societies, to be overcome and consolidated into the mainstream so that the majority may be comfortable with their lesser flaws. So that when people reflect on themselves, they see something better. Someone who compared to the monster, is good.

For there to be Light, there must be Shadow. To kill.

Untitled #8

Untitled #7

Hold Steady

While at first I was not optimistic, Westlynn contacted me after our disagreement and we met for a repetition of our first outing to Moonglade and Darkshore.

The subject that caused the sourness did not rise directly. But we did discuss one of the necessary consequences of it. I may not have written it before, but it concerned finding a safe and comfortable place to view the books with Nem. I requested access to particular location from Westlynn and then reversed after recalculating the propriety of it.

During this more recent discussion she offered a substitute. The rest of our chat wandered to less inflammatory topics, which likely was for the best.

As for the greater issue, this has not been resolved but I should be silent on it for now. Eventually I did accept the alternative proposition.

Second Anniversary

Two years now have passed since my beloved and I became a pair. While the first year was difficult, this second surpassed that challenge with ease. Yet still we are together. And, I may boast that we are both better because of it.

The surprise I plotted went well overall, but the deception failed. My beloved knew instantly to be suspicious regardless of Mirtai's talent with distraction. But there was accommodation and genuine appreciation when I revealed the gift. A copper bathtub augmented with heat runes (it took a bloody long time to calculate how to do it). What I did not expect was what I received.

An old conceit, blinded by my disdain, given sight again.

New Worry

In Silvermoon, after I spoke with Yuliia, I collected a flyer from a public board that gained my interest after a closer inspection. It was not the subject matter visible on the paper, but the odd symbol hidden within it. It needed some chemical coaxing to reveal it clearly.

I showed it to my beloved and expressed a measure of my concern. Unenlightened groups should not play with powers they think they understand and control. We are now both engaged in a search for more information to determine if this should be considered a threat. Or if something may be gained for us at the expense of their ignorance. I hopeful for the latter even if a touch of risk is required.

I also wonder if Nemeiah is aware of this group, or if it is too far removed from her practices. Initially my assumption is she may not be.

Proud

I met with Yuliia, Westlynn’s younger sister in Silvermoon to ask a favor. She did not have an answer immediately but said that she would ask around for the information I wanted.

We also chatted about her beau and the little ones that she is employed to look after. I mentioned the upcoming anniversary and felt strangely satisfied with her excitement. To few have I even admitted being in a relationship and rarer yet are those who know the depth of it. I was proud to speak of it with someone who seemed to appreciate (or at least enjoy the concept of) such a romance.

A Little Help

I enlisted the aid of Mirtai and Nathan for a surprise I am planning in a few days. Nathan agreed to help in his usual dutiful way, but Mirtai was quite fascinated with the intrigue. In truth it will be a simple deception (which I have done before), but requires that someone else do the distraction for me.

Fortunately Mirtai is talented at this, and expressed her confidence boldly. Nathan appeared less amused at her declaration of ability. I reminded them to be nice.

Two Steps Back

I consider the phrase “one step forward and two steps back” very appropriate for anyone engaged in a difficult progression. When one challenge rises, it may be overcome only to reveal another more complex and devastating.

Friendship, I am learning, qualifies thus.

Also, it is sobering to discover that my counsel on matters that I have some measurable credibility with, means absolutely nothing to someone determined to be a fool. It makes attempting the next step forward much less attractive.

Which means, perhaps I should let others try that step first.

Garden Thaw

These last few days the weather warmed and the garden began to thaw. Though winter is the most comfortable season, I am eager to see how the plants fare. Specifically, the roses. I do not expect any to be ready by the approaching romantic holiday however.

((Added later, with a rushed script)) --Silver roses. How in all the levels of Hell will I find one of those.

Lunar Festival Party

I did not want to go. I should not have gone. But a letter convinced me to try, and it was good to see Nemeiah. She and I did not speak on other matters.

Westlynn was, of course her usual social self and she acted in gracious fashion despite my reservation. Other conversations I enjoyed far less.

The fireworks were entertaining, but I could only think of what Nem said to me several days ago when we both debated whether or not to attend. It was not who was there that will impact future participation. It is the one who was not there.