((Hiatus #2))

((Hey all!

For a few days, the blog will be put on hold while I go out of town to take care of a few more medical issues. Don’t worry! This one was planned. If everything goes well, the blog will return on Monday, September 3^rd.

As always, thanks for reading!

-K))

Who I Am

For months now have I considered the proper course with regard to my past. Specifically, whether to pursue more knowledge of it. The flashes of images and scenes are most certainly fragments of memories, but I have not written of them due to the debate of whether or not to consider them part of myself anymore.

With death ended all formal and legal bindings to the life this body had. All titles dissolved. Any family I cannot seek because I do not remember them. Nor would they recognize me.

It is a subtle thing to identify oneself, and since beginning this existence I have introduced myself by only name: Annjia. This is the name given by Viere, and not by my mother. I know what name I was called while alive but it is not how my beloved or anyone else addresses me. It is one more orphaned piece.

My beloved wanted to fill this existence with “good things,” not simply to replace what came before. I conclude therefore that there is no reason other than curiosity and risk to pursue the past. What was, is gone. What is now, is what I have made.

I am Annjia.

Pompous

Nemeiah was damaged again. This time at Tyr’s Hand just outside the gate when it was attacked by an unruly pair. When I heard of it, the arrogant and sermonizing death knight Roeth had already mended her. Yet his demeanor was, as usual, less than gracious. Already aggravated, I asked Nemeiah (with Roeth nearby) whether anyone had tried to protect her. He took offense.

He had been involved in that fight and still she came to harm. I wanted to hit him with enough force to rattle his head inside that constant helmet he wears. But it would not do to strike the Bishop’s favorite suit of armor. Later I understood why he disliked the tone and severity of my query but at the least, he could have been more polite with Nem and accepted her thanks. I had retreated to the abbey.

She joined me in the library later and ably calmed things in her gentle way. I remarked how terrible it was that she sat and comforted me when she had been the one injured. But that is her nature and her gift. My talent of late seems to be a marked inability to do anything to assist her until after it has happened. She assured me that this was not so. 

My Paramour

This is what my beloved called me when bestowing a compliment for the architectural plans I had crafted for Nathan’s cabin.

I rather like it.

Update #9

Kruega wrote to inform me that he has decided to retreat in order to pursue more training. He will not appear in Orgrimmar or with the tribe until he has concluded this. To be truthful, I was a bit surprised. I wrote back to offer any sort of assistance he may require from a distance.

To the Regent however I expressed hope that this withdrawal will enable Kruega to craft his own interpretation of recent events. And not depend on others to do so for him. That he will be away to train provides opportunity for this.

Within that same conversation I reminded the Regent that I wished to relinquish the tribal talisman. My intent since resigning was to return it to her, because she offered it to me initially. For the sake of formality. But she had told me then to keep it until she gave leave to surrender it. 

Nemeiah and I have been at odds (gently) regarding her wish and abilities to heal. We cannot find an agreement on when it is best for her to offer mending, and when it is best to preserve herself. I referred to it as "throwing the Light" at people and she did not approve. But I am worried when each day she relates a new story of someone who was hurt and needed to be healed; and the new injuries on herself she nurses as a result.

Architect

My beloved gave approval for the construction of a new building on the manor. While there is a great deal more I wish to do (as a result of “castle envy” described before), I whittled down plans after a simple calculation. Nathan will not suffer winter well if he remains in the ramshackle shed he currently inhabits.

I convinced D.A. easily of the practicality of the cabin but did not expect Nathan to be so blasted resistant. He felt that the expense and effort should not be made for his benefit alone. But when I reminded him of how unpleasant it would be once the seasons change, he relented and offered assistance with this and the future projects I hinted to.

The one concern I expressed privately to my beloved was over how Mirtai would respond to the development. D.A. replied with sly tone and expression that the consequences would likely manifest only after the cabin was furnished properly. 

Obligation

Gently I reintroduced the topic of the shadow realm to my beloved, for there is much more yet to tell of what happened. One obligation remains there. The one made to the Lord of the Castle.

I had agreed to bring myself and my beloved back to his home after a successful rescue from the Web. But the danger at that last moment was so extreme and immediate that I chose to escape with D.A. rather than fight to remain. I believe this was the only course wherein either of us would survive. But this prevented the immediate fulfillment of that agreement.

And other arguments tilt against returning. The foremost concern that my beloved still recovers and has no compulsion – naturally so – to return to that realm. Even voluntarily. But another is the worry of the danger in surrounding ourselves with that environment. The Lord was hospitable, but he is as I am. Yet, we could learn a great deal from him and his companions.

My beloved hesitated and asked for more time to think over whether or not to go. I agreed and promised that whatever was desired would be enacted. 

Protective

There was an incident in Orgrimmar when Nemeiah moved to heal one of her friends, and I pulled her back. She already had significant burns on her hands from the Light. I have known clinically and theoretically of the pain and damage caused an undead by wielding holy energies, but had not seen her use it. The only action I could conceive was to halt her.

Her anger with me was not lingering, fortunately, but the circumstances caused me to think. It reminded me of when the Regent stepped too near a cliff in Darkshore and I dragged her from the edge. Or when Vivvienne had been abandoned with child by her previous beau. Or Mirtai when she appeared at my border, beaten and broken. And of course, when my beloved was taken by the Witch of the Web.

Viere designed me to protect. It is one of the two main functions that I embrace – the other being to provide. It pleases me to do what I am made to do. The difficulty always originates with the decision whether or not something (or someone) is worthy of it.

But Nem questioned one of the fundamental assumptions of design when we spoke of other things that had happened recently. I require a bit more time to consider what she said.

Tomorrow is Another Day

The last outing with the Regent could not be defined as “out” by most standards, because it was indoors. From Ana she inherited a strange contraption that projects images of a story and invited me to view one. The title of it was “Tomorrow is Another Day,” and it was an old human tale.

It related a young woman of affluence who lost her position and fortune due to a civil war between human kingdoms, and then struggled to return to her former status. The story was quite long, but I wished to see it concluded. Not all of the words or scenarios did I understand and this prompted a number of questions. Fortunately the Regent was obliging in her answers. She also admitted some anxiety with exposing me to the machine because of the foreignness of it.

My curiosity regarding the themes and symbols is not satisfied completely though, and so I hope to happen upon the book that the moving picture story is sourced on. But do not have the leisure to pursue it directly.

Useless

Nemeiah was attacked in Orgrimmar the night before last. I was not present. Kruega, who had accepted my request to protect her, was embroiled with a fight and she became a casualty. Although she received healing I was extremely unhappy to learn of it.

Fortunately it was Nemeiah that related events to me and she entreated me to not be angry with him. Yet I struggled with my temper. Later, Kruega approached me alone and confessed his failing. I thought of Urukha, and Viere, and how useless it would be to accuse and punish him. He had killed the culprit at great personal cost. And seemed to regret the decisions made that led, inadvertently, to Nemeiah being harmed.

Any anger I presented would thus be unjust when examining my own sins and the consequences thereof. So I asked him to inform me if there was anything left to be done that I could assist with. He did not know what to do, himself.

Suffer None

“Screw friends.”

Another death knight made this insightful remark while I was chatting with Vivvienne on the zeppelin between Orgrimmar and the Dark Lady’s city. It was in response to Vivvienne mentioning the situation with the tribe. Unfortunately it would not be the last time that I encountered him.

Vivvienne and I continued to speak and try to sort a few of the things yet between us.  And we acknowledged the shifts and subtleties in such arrangements. I have concluded that it is easier to do as that other death knight encouraged and suffer no friends, than to manage the complexity and challenge of myriad different kinds of them. But that is much less interesting.

The next day I visited Nemeiah in Tyr’s Hand and the same death knight appeared. When he was impolite with her, I repeated a few of his words back to him. He was condescending and snide to me but by comparison was more pleasant to her (barely). He believed that he behaved how a death knight ought to, which explains why he has no need for friends. Nemeiah was noticeably annoyed with him. She asked why it was that some people acted thus.

My response – assuming that her question was literal and not rhetorical – was that some that have endured loss feel a great fury and dissatisfaction with the world. And their unpleasant method of interacting with others ensures that everyone else is as unhappy as they. 

Castle Envy

When there was opportunity I mended ties with Nathan. We discussed the usual subjects such as the defense of the manor (he mentioned that there had been no sign of Viere or anything else unusual, which I was relieved to hear). I apologized for the impatient demeanor I presented when we spoke before. He replied that he did not take to surprises well, and hoped that there were no “hard feelings.”

Then we were able to discuss a new topic of business. I asked him to draw up a map of the buildings that once stood on this land. He consented. When I mentioned the conversation and request to my beloved my intent was perceived instantly.

I explained the motivation as “Castle envy,” which brought a charming laugh to my beloved’s lips. A desire to create something that demonstrates stability and stature. In this instance with architecture and the construction of at least one new building on the property.

My beloved asked to see what plans I had before they were solidified, and I agreed that it was best to earn approval before work begins. The entire idea seemed to please D.A. greatly.

Caught in the Middle

In Orgrimmar several days ago, Kruega walked up to me unexpectedly while I was attending to business. We chatted and he explained that Urukha had urged him over.

He confessed that she had been in high dudgeon when she learned that he knew I had withdrawn as a Friend of the Tribe, and did not tell her. By not telling her he honored my request for discretion. But even before he knew, I had apprised Pip of my resignation and advised her to speak to Urukha, calculating that as mates and Elders they would communicate.

I was therefore baffled by Urukha’s anger. Until Kruega revealed that she had not been informed, and thought it solely her decision that I should be declared not a Friend of the Tribe. She announced it publically long after I spoke to the two of them. Yet she did not forbid interaction. That day in Orgrimmar Urukha insisted that he speak with me, as though to encourage the latter. But he had not even seen me, and thus had not greeted until she called attention my position.

So then, Kruega did not know what to do. And he believed her when she claimed she was not angry with him still. He even apologized for not approaching earlier. As though that was his fault.  

These are precisely the sort of confused circumstances that I intended to avoid by slipping away quietly. Kruega, like Nathan, does not possess the nature to thrive in the middle of others’ machinations.

Power

Lately have I been thinking on the Lord of the Castle and his associations with those who serve him. As well as my own relationships with Mirtai and Nathan. The issue is how one obtains the authority to command others. Then, how that power is kept.

In both primitive and pinnacle societies dominion originally derives from coercion. That is, it belongs to the one who is strongest and who can physically defeat their challengers. But in some communities authority is elected and granted by the group to an individual who possesses (in their estimation) the most capable qualities to lead.

Viere embodied the first form and it persisted only until the moment I became more powerful than him. The Tribe I thought was of the second. But this was more accurate when the Regent actively led. The longer she does not wield power, the more likely that the structure of it will be susceptible to shifts. If it has not altered already.

Because there is a third way to win and preserve power. Fear management. A leader may have the strongest body, or the most able mind, but in this scenario they may not. With fear, authority mounts from the claim that the group is threatened and in danger from without --or even within. And only the leader or their inner circle possesses the means to protect the community from harm.

In the extreme, only the leader can identify the danger and anyone who questions that narrative is declared disloyal, even traitorous. This is an indicator of insecure leadership; power in paranoia.

Marriage

During a tour about the ruined kingdom of Gilneas I brought the Regent to a place that had several rows of benches and a lattice arch. I thought it a lovely spot to visit but she said that it reminded her of tragedy, and then suddenly asked if I was married. Or if I had ever been. The answer of course is no, not currently and I do not know of the past. She also asked what my view of marriage was but I managed to not answer.

Later I thought on it to examine my opinion. It is clear that I would make a poor match, having no title, status or exorbitant wealth to offer someone of D.A.’s station. And no capacity to bear children.

I calculated what could then happen were the topic of marriage ever proposed. A strange, powerful emotion overcame me as I considered it. It took a moment to identify what that feeling was.

Absolute panic.

Untitled #3

((Phrases are written about the page. Some are slanted and others straight, as though it’s not an organized collection.))

“Finish it my love.”

“DEMONS KNOW NO MERCY!”

"Everything... that is much.  It is much to lose. To lose everything will drive most mad, madness and despair.  I know."

“There are a few of your kind here... though perhaps they no longer call themselves so."

"What you seek is up this stair.  You must know that finding it will be costly."

"Are... are you... real?" 

"Thank you, darling.  For finding me... For everything. I love you. I love you. I love you."

Home Drama

There are days when it is a struggle to conduct daily activities and survive undamaged. When I return home I expect it to be a place of calm and not a source of more contention. Mirtai and Nathan have now given me several headaches, and this is no mean feat for someone unliving.

I wrote some time ago about a meeting with Nathan wherein I indicated my views of him courting Mirtai. It was not a successful conversation and only managed to muddle things more. I suspected that Mirtai engineered the meeting for- I am not certain why she would, but she did. Nathan reacted badly to the deception. She had essentially cast him helplessly into my harsh and candid view.

He is a good and honest man, not made for such games. 

After I found Mirtai weeping one evening, D.A. told me what had happened. Mirtai had brushed aside Nathan’s concerns regarding the manipulation, and he then refused her advances. Being stubborn and being “very much a man” as my beloved phrased it (who knows a bit more about this sort of thing).

For one like Mirtai, it must have been very upsetting. She is not accustomed to being resisted thus. Her powers could always overcome any doubts; but she can no longer wield them.

I see also how her behavior irritates my beloved. We agree that it is not appropriate for us to interfere or intervene. 

The Legend of the Green Knight

For several evenings we sat together and my beloved read this story aloud to me. It is a long poem and though it could not all be traversed at once, I found it enthralling. This could be because I enjoy listening to my beloved all the more since we returned.

The story is of a young knight who, in order to impress his king undertook an impossible quest. He is tested and ultimately survives but not without deceit and cunning rather than adhering to all of the righteous tenets of knighthood. I remarked to my beloved that I thought he was trying to be loyal but was not prepared for what would be required of that declaration.

Of course I thought of my own quest and the imperfections it had revealed. But the real value gained from this book was that it made for a pleasant escape from the other trials that trouble us yet. And for this I am grateful.

Friend of the Tribe

Some time ago I was given the status of “Friend of the Tribe” to the Burning Tusk Tribe. I did not request it, nor did I take much advantage of it other than to attend meetings, gatherings and utilize the talisman that the Regent gave to me.  

From the moment she learned that my beloved had been saved, Urukha, the current leader of the tribe and who once called me family, treated me with suspicion and later disdain. She pushed me outside of the bounds of her association, yet she expected that I would also obey her command to disclose danger. But I am not a Tribe member; she has no power over me, no authority to leverage. And I would not tell anything “as a friend” to anyone who approached me thus.

Nemeiah thought that this deterioration of regard may have been because Urukha did not know whether I was the same after returning. But she also did not attempt to learn. Multiple opportunities I presented and with each she became more difficult to communicate with, culminating in a series of letters between us wherein she indicated just how unimportant I was to her, and then she insulted me.

Silence followed until yesterday. When she admitted some mistake with how she had responded to the issue of Kruega, but for the rest of it I was still in the wrong. I, who had just endured the shadow realm and with my beloved's health still tenuous, only wished for privacy. 

It was as though Urukha was given a measure of authority and as a result, forgot how to be a friend.

Though she is not the original leader she represents and speaks for the Tribe. If that is the representation she offers then I desire no official affiliation with it. So in private I informed the Regent and formally resigned that status as Friend of the Tribe. 

Storytime: Felwood (300th Post Special)

((Hey all! Hard to believe it's been 300 posts on the blog now. I'm very grateful for all of ya'll's support. As before, I'll take a few days' break from the blog and pick it up again on Wednesday, August 8th. Thanks for reading, and hope you enjoy!

-K))

It began with nightmares.

The caverns in Felwood had seemed secure and isolated from the world. I had selected it because of its distance from populated centers and its hidden and complex ruins. One of these ruins I took as my residence. It shielded my beloved and me from the dangers outside, or so I was confident at first.

Though both of us experienced strange and frightening dreams we did not speak of them initially. For my part I did not wish to describe the images seen and emotions felt. I was still trying then to prove myself a worthy consort. Nightmares for me are not unusual but the frequency and intensity should have alerted to an unnatural origin.

During this time I heard from the druids in a nearby settlement that many travelers were disappearing in the forest. Some might have accounted for from to my defense of the ruins. But not all. When out hunting one morning I encountered the body of one of the missing travelers. And then I witnessed a group of druids attacked. By a roving pack of wisps - maddened night elf spirits.

I returned home and raged violently. My assumptions had been utterly wrong and I did not know if I could defend our home against them. Yet I still did not tell my beloved the entire truth. I said that the source of my anger was due to a fear that I had led unfriendly forces near and had thus endangered everything. My beloved had not seen me in such a state before and was frightened. Consequently I have been careful with my temper.

Then, the realism employed by the nightmares nearly devastated us. It was deep into the night when I woke from another and thought my beloved missing. No one did I see there with me and so I called for Maag and plunged out into the forest for rescue and retrieval. But it was a trap. The nightmares aimed at my insecurity in guarding D.A. and manipulated my sight in order to provoke a response.

I came directly upon a group of paladins that had been sent to avenge the murdered druids. Or rather, I ambushed them. I feared that they were on their way to our home to destroy us; in retrospect I think they were following the wisps. And then the wisps led me to them.

It was a difficult fight. The paladins were vanquished at heavy cost. I do not recall the return home but Maag and Chaos managed to transport me. When I woke my beloved was treating the damage. Only then did I reveal what prompted me to flee into the night and we realized that we were being attacked.

My beloved sought answers from the tomes. The wisps were the trapped souls of Night Elves that had slumbered in the Emerald Dream while their bodies decayed away, neglected. Their nearby moonwell was corrupted. With no way to wake they behaved as a pack of ravenous wolves and preyed on the other residents of the forest. I speculate now that my wards had prevented them from entering the caverns and so they utilized the nightmares to try and bring us out.

After research and my consultation with Whiteclaw, D.A. negotiated for a pure piece of bark from an Elder treant of the forest. Whiteclaw gave me a spirit bag of some sort to carry it so it would not also be corrupted. But there was a price that the Elder treant demanded: that my beloved and I depart the forest immediately after pacifying the wisps. And not return.

With reluctance we agreed. To the moonwell we traveled and I shielded by beloved as the bark was dropped into the corrupted waters. The wisps were all about us, attempting to kill us. Then the water in the moonwell rose up and revealed a different sort of spirit. He called all of the wisps to him and they disappeared. I presume to their eternal rest.

In the days after my beloved and I were able to sleep without nightmares but we made preparations to leave our home as requested. Within the week we were gone. 

Discerning Subtleties

After the awkward conversation with Nathan, Mirtai has shown her distinct talent in hiding. She appears to perform her tasks quickly when called, but not otherwise. If I am at all irritated she seems to know and is not to be found.

This may be due to my awareness that she manipulated that meeting with Nathan. But always has she been able to discern when it is best to disappear. Even when we were with Viere.

Though there is another woman displaying a few similar tendencies and this inspired confusion. Vivvienne returned from her vacation and approached me in Orgrimmar. She is heavily pregnant and I tried to give space and move to shade so that both she and the tiny one would be comfortable. Without drawing attention to it by asking formally or politely. But she interpreted this as repulsion or even disapproval of her condition. Her deferential posture reminded me very much of Mirtai.

I began to explain and she insisted that the tiny one was not uneasy. As for the other issue it is inappropriate to give opinion at present.

With Mirtai there is not significant concern because I believe her anxiety will pass. With Vivvienne however I am yet uncertain how to behave. It could be that my own ability to discern subtleties has been impaired.

Reaquainted

In Orgrimmar I encountered Kruega and we began to chat, when Pip interrupted us. I departed immediately thereafter for Tyr’s Hand, hoping that he would follow but he did not.

It was good to visit with Nemeiah. She allowed me to borrow an old book from the abbey library to bring back to my beloved. It is called “The Legend of the Green Knight,” and is written in old Common. I cannot read it of course, but D.A. can. The tome is quite old and fragile so it is protected in a bound leather case during travel. When I held it, Nemeiah remarked that it was good to see me relaxed. My answer was, “I have a book.” Which truly meant that I have something that will make my beloved happy.

Then to my astonishment, Kruega then walked into the courtyard of Tyr’s Hand. He explained that he now had permission to travel. Nemeiah was delighted to see him. So I left to allow them time and space to reacquaint. Without “big sister” hovering.

Dresses

At home and on specific occasions will I wear a dress. In private it is comfortable and to be truthful, both metal and silk appeal to me in equal measure. But in public armor is most often appropriate and what is expected.

I gifted to Nemeiah a few Gilnean gowns – petite in size in order to fit her - in case she had occasion to wear something other than her typical work garb. These dark, somber fashions I tend to prefer and the one she chose to show appeared well on her.

When I first returned from the shadow realm the Regent spotted me in a newer dress. It is grey and purple with interesting fastenings down the front. She seemed to approve of it but asked more than once whether or not I did. I thought the question odd; as though I could be forced to wear something I did not like.  At the Castle in the shadow realm I did not want to wear the blue raiment given to me, but calculated that the Lord would find it rude if I did not.

On a later outing with the Regent there was a gap to leap across and it was easier to accomplish this without all the weight of the armor. The Regent offered several comments regarding that after. I did not mind. Often the effect of wearing a dress is quite entertaining and rewarding. But outside of the home this is rarely sought.

Unless, as I mentioned, one is a guest at the Castle. I wish D.A. could have seen that dress. It made the dark-haired lady dislike me even more. It was a good dress.