Medicine

There is an apothecary that lives nearby that I have commissioned to create healing and alleviative draughts. This has contributed measurably to my beloved’s comfort and consequent recovery. Though it is made at considerable intellectual expense, sharing some of the secrets that I have learned over the years regarding magical protections.

Safe Passage

I encountered Kruega, Westel and Gom’jun in recent days and held brief conversations with each. Westel’s wedding I could not attend due to being in the realm of shadows. Gom’jun was his normal chipper self. And Kruega had withdrawn to Un’Goro for a time and also only recently returned.

It was to Kruega that I related that the passage to Tyr’s Hand was now safe, according to Nemeiah. And she welcomed visitors, so I entreated him to travel there to see her when able. Originally I had transferred the responsibility of monitoring this to Urukha, because I was about to enter the shadow realm.

Now I thought it efficient to simply inform Kruega of the good news. And then later I wrote to Urukha to communicate that it was resolved. She then asked if I had also lifted her command forbidding him to travel there. The implication was that I had burrowed under her authority by speaking with him. My reply stated that this was yet her prerogative if she wished to forbid him still. I thought that the tone of these letters, combined with the impersonal signature indicated that there was no decline in her distrust or suspicion of me.

I wrote again to Urukha to signal that I wished to chat, and waited for a time in Orgrimmar while she lounged beneath the tree with Pip. Neither even glanced at me. So I departed. My hope is that this rift will not impact whether Kruega is allowed to visit Tyr’s Hand and see Nemeiah.

Attraction

"Do you... think I am ugly now?" 

My beloved asked this, after all of the bodily damage that has been done. The question stung more than was obvious, because I am responsible for that mutilation and the unnatural remedy.

But still there are not words suitable or numerous enough to express the depth of my admiration. With poetry, prose and other romantic expressions I am inadequate. So I abandoned speech and demonstrated instead.

Post-Trauma

In an enlightening exchange I described some of my frustrations to the Regent; in particular my interactions with Urukha and how badly those seemed to go. I did not detail the conversation with Nathan, or the series of letters with Caelyssa but my impatience evidenced with both.

The Regent said that I had experienced something traumatic alone. Like a soldier going to war. And then I returned home to those that were unaffected. These who would not (or could not) naturally understand my difficulty or plight because they had not endured it. Thus to me their concerns diminish. She admitted her own “daily pleasantries” that were so far removed from that trauma, but I replied that at the least she had not accused me of being a threat. And I have not been short with Nemeiah nor my beloved, to my recollection.

Ultimately, when I asked whether Urukha’s accusations or my stubborn resistance were correct, the Regent answered that it was time that would win. It will be sorted eventually. As with the letters to Caelyssa; a brief conversation with her adjusted some of the perceptions.

Meaning

Time spent in the shadow realm away from those called friends and acquaintances prompted me to reconsider the value of those relationships gained and maintained. Including risk and grief into the calculations.

The answer I think depends on the purposes which I and they bend themselves to (or do not, in many cases). If I died in the realm of shadows I would have died believing that my existence had meaning. I was doing what I was designed to do. What was proper and worthwhile: finding and rescuing my beloved. But for so many others they seem to have no purpose, no meaning, and their minds are muddled with superficial conflicts.

I see one make a speech about honor and then do nothing. I see others cry over the smallest social slight. Or fret when a current lover drifts away. And these same ones claim to be in love with the new interest in the next moment. It is as though their entire lives gain meaning only by gratifying indulgences and seeking the approval of others.

Months ago my beloved warned me that I would be weakened by lowering my guard to these sorts. I was not designed for petty pursuits, though I was given the capacity to understand them. Perhaps this is why I am sought for advice sometimes; and why I become so irritated when I see it ignored.

But the Regent has another theory, which I will write on at another time.

Courting Confusion

In society it is considered appropriate and expected for a man to approach the father (or guardian) of a woman he admires to ask permission to court her. In some communities the rules for this are complex and lengthy, but now it seems this tradition is mostly discarded.

Mirtai is my charge. I am also prone to formality. Therefore, any man seeking her should approach me for approval. But it appears that she pressed Nathan during my absence. When she confessed it, she said at first that he intended to speak to me after D.A. recovered. But then she told Nathan immediately thereafter that I wished to speak with him. Both of us were confused and tense when we stood facing each other and attempted to discuss it.

Somehow I managed to offend him. Likely I was too critical regarding his past with Mira (remembering that they shared a secret affection against her father’s wishes). Yet I am fond of Nathan and would give my approval if he would only ask. But he did not ask. The issue was not resolved to my satisfaction though we agreed to let it alone until a better time.

So I am left bewildered. And wishing that I could seek my beloved’s counsel, who knows far more about this sort of thing than I. Before all of this, D.A. was convinced that there was something supernatural that pulls those two together. A remnant of Mira, perhaps?

The Price

There is progress. My beloved is awake for longer, yet still endures a great deal of pain. But those brief moments together are for me, like gasps of breath above the waves of a tumultuous sea.

I told Nemeiah that my beloved had woken and also that Viere was alive. Fortunately she did not connect these two facts; or at least no suspicion was verbalized.

While luck did not favor me in killing Viere before the deal was complete, it did favor me to find what was needed. I know his tastes. Strong, tall and gorgeous. (Sounds familiar, yes?) When I had what he desired I brought it to him.

However I designed it so that he would experience debilitating discomfort at first and a dreadful headache after. He first feared that I had poisoned him, but I assured him that his body would recover after the hangover faded. He formally released me from the debt and called me something rather impolite. In that moment there was nothing restricting me from killing him permanently.

But for the second time in our history, I left him alive. I returned home to my beloved.

Assertive

In Orgrimmar I spoke with Nemeiah and told her a bit of what has happened. While we were speaking, the strange goblin Nicken interrupted us. He had pestered me a few days earlier and I had rebuffed him. Now he returned and danced and generally made a nuisance of himself in order to gain attention.

I was prepared to respond when Nemeiah quite simply told him to leave. He protested and complained but she was firm. It surprised me.

It seems that over time she has developed confidence not evident when we first met. So gradual has it been that I had not fully realized it. She might think it a simple or natural thing born of regard, but I note the irony of this small, frail creature protecting me. Or at least protecting my privacy from a very annoying goblin.

Bastard

I convened with Nathan and he reported that a small creature had been seen at the boundary of our land, fraying the wards. For obvious reasons he knows how to identify the signs. He had taken a shot at the intruder and to use his phrase, “may have winged it.” When I indicated the height of an imp he agreed that this was the size of it.

This means that Viere tried to breach my territory while I was away. I am displeased.

I bid Nathan to remain at the manor with his rifle ready while I searched for the bastard. It was not difficult to locate him hiding in a ransacked animal den beyond the border. Our exchange was not friendly, but we managed to be civil. He wanted Nathan punished for grazing him (he had actually shorn off a piece of Viere’s ear). I told him he appeared terrible. He rebutted that the beauty he created in me had faded.

We discussed business as well. I advised him not to agitate the huntsman – that is, Nathan – by avoiding my land while I worked to repay my debt to him. And I suggested that he not die before I was done. He replied that he would remain alive, if only to spite me.

I hate him so much.

Vindication

"I knew you would come... I kept waiting, and waiting...”

D.A. finally woke three days after the operation. Those few words spoken banished any regret for my actions. And it seems that my beloved retains no memory of when we escaped the Web: only a vague sense of the horrors that were inflicted by the Witch throughout the duration.

The explanation I gave for the pain was brief and incomplete due to emotion. Yet I was able to say what I needed to. In my arms my beloved faded into unconsciousness again after. But I am reassured that recovery is now possible; even likely.

Which means that I have a great deal more to do. 

Cold and Hollow

Obstacles remain and my power wanes as time stretches on. Despite treatment my beloved has not stirred for days.

Meanwhile I cannot warm myself fully. The woolen blanket that Nemeiah gave me helps. But when I move about during the day often I pause in a sunny place. It is ironic because such places were avoided before. And there are other things with regard to my health that I deliberately neglect until my beloved recovers.

On my hands and body I see the loss of strength, the hollowing. Mirtai sees it as well. She asked if she could help. In a different manner than she did before I departed for the shadow realm. I knew what she really offered and recognized the conflict and risk involved to do so. Nathan was not present. I believe Mirtai engineered it thus to minimize elaboration or consequences had I accepted. Though she serves me now, I declined because some things are best left in the past for both of us. She will not offer again.

To the Regent I confessed a general sense of emptiness and she focused on my maintenance as different from D.A.'s recovery and needing separate attention. She suggested I make use of her. Though the Regent and I only share conversation this does assist in some ways. 

Accusation

“I love you, Annjia, but I can’t tolerate my family being placed in any danger,” Urukha said.

I replied, “Then it is well that the Tribe is not involved, yes? All consequences I have directed toward myself.”

It was the first time we had encountered each other since my return and while her initial greeting was exuberant and indicated that she was happy, this reproach implied otherwise.

With the Regent attending to family affairs Urukha has been the steward of the Tribe and thus assumed general responsibility for the safety of it. This I understood. But in Orgrimmar when she asked what had happened, she appeared upset that I had no desire to tell her everything. And the little that I did say seemed to aggravate her more. She accused me of playing games with her when I became evasive and opaque.

The conclusion I gained from the exchange was that my presence, if not guaranteed otherwise could be considered a threat to the Tribe. She is a wolf bristling at the little black cat that sits outside the den. Urukha, though overeager to display her fangs, is trying to protect her pack.

And so I am I protecting my own by saying nothing.

In Service

When I brought my beloved home, Mirtai and Nathan rose to assist instantly. I am extremely grateful to them and confess that my manner was rather commanding and demanding at first. They tolerated this. Mirtai may even have been settled by it, as she appeared near panic after witnessing D.A.’s state and grievous injury.

Again Mirtai offered her strength but I refused this time. For her to serve does not make her what the Lord of the Castle made of his servants. The sacrifice of others set his table and satisfied his comfort; but it meant nothing to him. The Lord had said that I was young, implying that I did not understand the way of things or how to behave properly. The ladies themselves seemed to view me as something uncultivated and ferine.

But that exploitative domesticity I realize is not what I desire. In particular when Mirtai is concerned. We both know what it is to be on the opposite side of that.

Ponderings

Recent events prompt me to reflect on many things that I had ignored before, or had not considered.

The reality of monsters both vile and beautiful. How power entitles one to inflict suffering and to prey on others. The value of one person’s life. The price of happiness. What is weakness and what is strength. Why most are consumed with trivialities when others struggle simply to exist.

For now my thoughts are not yet assembled enough to speculate but in quiet moments they emerge. The words summoned for these topics do not adequately encompass them either. So I am withdrawn and unable to seek proper wisdom.

Furthermore I calculate others would find such reflections an inconvenient interruption to their static, easy states. No one intentionally thinks on heavy matters if it creates discomfort. For me the luxury of that complacency is shattered.

Re-integration

When in the realm of shadows I asked the Regent to contact Nemeiah on my behalf. For the rest it seemed best to allow them to persist in their perpetual states. Unaware, and thus unconcerned by more than one definition. Now that I am returned it is difficult to attempt reintegration. And preoccupation with my beloved’s dire state eclipses any general desire to socialize.

The Regent found me in one of my favorite lurking locations (it happened to be particularly warm there which was why I paused) and we spoke for a short time. After our conversations over the talisman it is excruciatingly clear that things have changed. We did not interact with the banter that we used before; although this seems appropriate for now the lack of levity is my fault. She extended her support.

I wrote to Urukha also to inform her of my return and she said she would respect my desire for privacy, but also offered to assist if needed. This was not surprising.

Later I traveled to Tyr’s Hand to see Nemeiah. She was quite pleased to tell me of all that she had done during this time. I was content to listen. Her simple enjoyment of life contrasts with everything else at present and brought needed calm. And she let me keep this warm blanket.

But I am not yet ready to approach the others of my acquaintance in any large number or gathering.

Never Surrender

Do you remember the snow fight, darling?

"I have won," I declared.

"Very well, I surrender.” You smiled at me.

It was the conclusion of the prescribed play-time, after we had thrown packed balls of snow at each other. I had downed you and you lay beneath the tree. I moved close. And then you brought the snow from the branch above down upon my head. In a cold flurry, I was defeated.

You laughed and exulted. "Now, I am the victor!"

"Please remind me the next time, to not believe you when you surrender.”

"I never give up.” You smiled again and kissed me.

I ask your pardon for my directness, but I did not believe you would surrender to death either. And I beg you to forgive me for what I did in order to bring you back.

Found

I found the little that remained of my beloved.

From the Realm of Shadows #16 - Scribble

Tunnel into the Web in mountain. Three paths at fork:

Down – Smells of death

Straight – More webs and cocoons

Up – Magic scent and wailing sounds

Went up.

From the Realm of Shadows #15 - On the Move

I travel to the Web. As the Lord promised I was not accosted when leaving the castle. But when I crossed the bridge to the outside and the portcullis lowered, I turned and one of those wretched creatures reached from the inside through the bars at me. The same sort that attacked before. It is interesting that one would be so near to his home. Particularly when he was supposedly defending me from them.

The jungle is difficult to cut through now that I am not accompanied by the Lord. But that is why I have blades. More I would write, but for an unexpected appearance by another.

The cat came back.


As an addendum - the cat advised caution when entering the Web because it thought I had only one life, eight less than it possessed. It pleased me to realize that the cat did not know everything.

From the Realm of Shadows #14 - Predators

Predatory beasts tend to require large territories in order to find food and support their offspring. If an area contains more than one predator they conflict and compete. Or if they are sensible, they leave each other be.

The Lord of the Castle and the Witch of the Web seem to fall into this second category. When he displayed the map to me and indicated where the Web was he included that no mention should be made of him or “his” should I encounter the Witch. And that he could not offer aid or any other information due to his own pacts.

While I note the concern it is difficult to ignore that the thought of venturing into the Web causes both him and the ladies discomfort. Although their fear was more evident than his. Except for the dark-haired one. She appeared pleased that I aimed myself toward certain destruction.

From the Realm of Shadows #13 - One Condition

Truly I dislike those words because unpleasantness normally follows. But I must admit that I did not expect what the Lord asked of me. He granted leave to “hunt” in his territory and just beyond. He even showed which direction I should take to search for my beloved. And if I succeed, we are to return to his castle and be guests.

I have not yet decided whether to honor the arrangement but accepted it in the meantime in order to gain his assistance.

Remaining here would be interesting. Things are familiar. And a great amount of comfort could be (and has been) provided. A servant has been attending me and I have been polite to her. She seems appreciative though she is only shadow and cannot speak.

I understand the host a bit more now also. He had the opportunity and means to vanquish me for violating his borders and offered shelter instead. But I do not think he is to be trusted completely. He is like me. A protector of his family and lands. Though there is a cost for such domesticity that is not paid by the one in power. 

From the Realm of Shadows #12- Long Distance

I finally had opportunity to remove my armor in its entirety and discovered that I still possessed the talisman. To be truthful it had been forgotten. Many other considerations and calculations rampage through my mind and such a small thing was not among them. While a fully-fledged Tribe member might see it as an extension of themselves it never entered into my own processes without conscious effort. Always I preferred quiet.

When I was left alone I attempted to utilize it. To my astonishment the Regent replied. Though it was difficult to understand each other at first because the distance was great. Near the end of the conversation our voices were much clearer. It was as though the connection had been re-forged through use. Not unlike any relationship, I suppose.

As I had not expected success, there was little I desired to share with her. Her timbre was uncharacteristically direct and worried. She had returned home, which I was glad to hear. She also informed me that nearly all did not know that I had gone. Their routines and habits had continued undisturbed. For example Westel became married.

The irony of that relative to my present condition merits no commentary.

From the Realm of Shadows #11 - Hospitality

My beloved, I am almost certain, is near. The “humble home” that the man (or Lord, as the others call him) brought me to is a dark and ancient castle. But he is not the only resident. His “companions” display little fondness for my presence; in particular the dark-haired eldest.

I am content to endure (and I confess, softly provoke) her cold hostility.

The lord also appears to hold to a pattern with his possessions, including his companions and wolfish pets. I contradict that pattern and this may contribute to their disdain and his curiosity.

There are shadows here, everywhere. I look at them and study them as I indulge my hosts’ offer of hospitality. 

From the Realm of Shadows #10 - Hunch

If I am correct, this man has brought me precisely to where I wished to be in this realm. But it is difficult to obtain information from him as I also evade his questions. In short he appears to be everything that I could be, but is older and more insidious. With him the game is ascended.

This is why when one must live in a forest full of monsters it is preferable to be the biggest one yourself. 

From the Realm of Shadows #9 - Dangerous Company

The cat and I were attacked again in the Jungle. The appearance of the creatures was more wretched than even the ghouls I sometimes muster. There also were many of them. I commanded the cat to get from the ground while I defended us, and it vanished up into a tree. It did not reappear.

The assailants were soon destroyed. But not entirely by my own power. I am not yet with my beloved but I am no longer alone.

This man is dangerous. And he has sumptuous manners. At the moment though he is fresher and stronger than I, and so I must play his game.